Monday, September 1, 2014

Altai and the End

The air is thin up here.
My breathing is heavy, my legs are tired, and I carry my life on my back.
I stand above 3000 meters. Surrounded by mountains and snow and this beautiful stretch of untouched wilderness.
I feel small and yet a sense of greatness at the feat of what my untrained body and mind are capable of. I feel alive.
Steam rises from the bodies of the pack horses, prayer flags flutter in the mountain breeze, and a light rain begins to fall from heavy, low-hanging clouds.
This is Siberia. This is Altai. This is the way to Shambhala.

After a week of trekking, you sort of forget about showering, about the internet, about real life. As you hike across fields, navigate rocky trails and follow rivers, you have more time than ever to think. Your mind wanders like the path in front of you. The weather, thirst, the body, family, Budapest, trees, rain, hunger, cold, beauty, relationships, the future, the past, aching feet, books, religion, life. And sometimes there is that rare moment when you stop to breath and realize that you having been thinking of nothing, absolutely nothing, because observing the world around you is enough. This is the moment I love the most. I may be sweaty, muddy and unshowered, but my mind is clean.












Suddenly, you find yourself back on an airplane ordering tomato juice and returning to civilization. There is WiFi, air-conditioning and toilets. You are surrounded by more people in one minute than you saw on the trail in 10 days, and it makes you more exhausted than 24 kilometers of hiking ever did. I felt terrified in this moment, not only because it seemed like the airplane could use a little maintenance, but because leaving Altai meant that it was just one week until I left Russia. These two magnificent journeys were both coming to an end and I wasn't ready for it. I'm still not ready for it.

In just two days I'll be back on an airplane, not returning to an old life, but beginning a new one. I will leave behind two years of amazing memories and experiences, I will say farewell to people who have become something like family, and I will close a chapter of the unique life I am blessed to live. Thank you Russia for all that you have given me and for being a key player in the story of my life.

Monday, June 9, 2014

When our guns became our gods

This post is probably going to offend some people. That isn't the point. Actually, I'm not really sure what the point is. Perhaps it is a need to express myself, perhaps I want people to consider a new perspective, perhaps I want change. What I am sure of though, is that I fear my own country. I do not fear America for myself, for my parents, for my cousins, but I fear it for my newborn niece, for generations to come, and for the children I will [not] be having. I am afraid because a place that I held as a haven of safety, of knowledge, of peace, became the site of a mass shooting on Thursday, June 5th. One amongst many mass shootings to have taken place in the last few years, the shooting at Seattle Pacific University, my alma mater, has amplified my views on guns and has amplified my frustration with those who staunchly stand by gun rights, who seem to stand blindfolded before the evidence, holding a rifle in one hand and a copy of the second amendment in the other hand. I recognize that the majority of my readers are family and friends, who I know support gun rights. I will not pretend to understand your logic and the defense of an object, an object which symbolizes a. power, b. death, c. danger. I don't believe anyone should have that kind of authority over another person. Not the mentally ill, not the mentally sound, no one. When did we put our guns on a pedestal? When did they become our gods? When did we make ourselves gods by holding them in our hands and thereby proclaim that we have the power to take someone's life?

For some, the second amendment is proof enough that American citizens deserve the right to “keep and bear arms.” Sure, the constitution spells it out pretty clearly that our founding fathers supported gun rights. But when have dead white men holistically addressed the needs of America in all of her diversity? Those are the same dead white men who enslaved countless Africans. Those are the same dead white men who slaughtered Native Americans. Those are the same dead white men who told me that I didn't have the right to vote. But they were strong leaders! But they were Christians! But they were educated! If I ever met a nice looking white man who had charisma, who claimed strong faith, who had endless university degrees, yet killed and enslaved people of color then told me my voice didn't matter because I was born a woman...I'd run away just about as fast as I could. And I certainly wouldn't entrust him with the creation of a constitution and set of governing laws. The thing is, we've made deities of our founding fathers. And whatever you believe about the horrors of early American history, you have to recognize that our constitution and our laws have undergone reform throughout history. The second amendment was added to the Bill of Rights so that "a well regulated militia" could protect the security of the newly formed nation, not so that individuals could bear arms. What served a largely rural society in the 1700s is not serving our present age. So maybe it is okay to say the Second Amendment is out of date and that we need reform.

Social media exposes us to all sorts of stories and articles about anecdotal evidence regarding the importance of gun ownership. These are stories of people who stopped violent gunmen because they themselves had a gun in their home or had a concealed weapon (with license). But there is another story. The United States has the most guns per capita in the world. We win this title by a large margin. For every 100 people in the United States there are 88.8 guns. The country which ranks second has just 58.2 guns per 100 people. Not only do we have the highest rate of gun ownership, but also one of the highest rates of gun violence in world. According to a recent article by Humanosphere, the US has more gun-related homicides than Pakistan, and we fall just short of having more deaths than the Democratic Republic of the Congo. By the logic of those who strongly support gun rights, more guns should mean more people have the ability to protect themselves, and, therefore, gun-related crimes and deaths should decrease. But the evidence doesn't support this claim. Other developed countries that have stricter gun laws, such as Japan, the UK and Germany have monumentally lower gun-related death rates. In 2009, there were 9,500 gun-related homicides in the United States, while the UK had 63 and Germany had 381. Japan, a nation with some of the strictest gun laws, had just seven gun-related homicides. Seven. Even if you factor in population differences between these countries, it is obvious that the US vastly outweighs other developed nations in terms of gun violence. So, while the story of a man with a concealed weapon stopping a shooter makes for great reporting and bolsters the views of gun supporters, anecdotal evidence isn't evidence.

The other day someone wrote a Facebook post which stated “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” It is a truly simplistic way to view the world. To put people into a “bad” category and others into a “good” category. But what does that really mean? How do we decide who is “good” and who is “bad”. It is easy to label the gunmen of these mass shootings as evil, as “bad guys”. Certainly their actions were anything but good. But as we hear more and more about mass shootings and as we try to understand motive, the story most commonly told is of a person (a man, usually white) with serious mental and emotional conditions. Most of society doesn't understand what it means to have a psychiatric disorder, although most people at some point in their lives will experience clinical depression, a psychiatric condition. We don't openly discuss mental and emotional diagnoses, we don't have proper health care for these individuals, and we don't have a culture which supports them. Certainly none of this justifies the horrific acts of violence we've seen at SPU, in Aurora, in Newtown. Nothing can justify robbing someone of their life in this way. But are you a “bad guy” because you've been born with a psychiatric disorder that has never been properly treated? For those claiming faith, we should never label someone beyond redemption.

Even if the world were simple enough to label people “good” and others “bad”, it simply isn’t true that the only way to stop a gunman is with another gun. Certainly, given the right circumstances, it may be much easier, but by that philosophy, we would be living in the chaos of an “eye for an eye / tooth for a tooth,” world. It seems appropriate to quote Gandhi at this time, who stated, “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” While it is difficult to see hope in the wake of the tragedy that happened at SPU, I find hope in the fact that this gunman was stopped not with another gun, but with courage and a simple can of pepper spray. I have no doubt that people must learn how to protect themselves, but I don’t believe guns are the solution to that problem. Filling the world with more weapons has never made it a better place

When I first heard the news of the shooting at SPU, I was filled with confusion and shock. It didn’t seem possible that this tragedy had taken place at my University, in a building where I took classes, in a space where I had been able to focus on my education and not on the safety of my life. Not only was someone robbed of their life that day, but the SPU student body was robbed of their sense of peace and the safety SPU provided them. Even though I graduated three years ago, I too feel robbed of that peace. I can remember walking into Otto Miller Hall as a student with the weight of tests and papers on my shoulders, not the weight of violence and death. If this is how America is, then how can we ever trust sending our children out into the world? If this is how we have to think of schools and universities and institutions of learning, then how can we expect students to focus on their education when they must also be filled with fear? I’ve planned on having children my entire life, but now I'm not so sure. I’ve decided that if our nation doesn’t recognize the overwhelming need for gun reform, it just isn’t worth it. Why would I bring new life into this world and this country? A country filled with so much violence and tragedy that refuses to change because of a piece of paper added to our nation’s Bill of Rights in 1791.

I don’t have the audacity to think that you will read this and somehow transform from a conservative gun supporter to a progressive pacifist. What I do hope though, is that we can scrutinize our reasons for wanting guns and the evidence cited in support of pro-gun laws and policy. Let us remove our guns from their pedestals, let us no longer make them gods, and let us reclaim our humanity by realizing no one should have the right to decide whether another person will live or die. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

how i found out i was close minded on st. patrick's day



I met a man the other day. A man I really didn’t like. Somewhere in downtown Saint Petersburg  we sat over pints of Guinness and tried to make some sort of St. Patrick’s Day celebration. A friend of a friend, I was fairly sure I’d met him during my previous life as a student in St. Petersburg, and was fairly sure I hadn’t liked him then either. He was abrasive and pushy and not very clever - a combination that usually doesn’t go well with my particular personality. For some reason, days later, as infuriating as our conversation was, I can’t stop thinking about it. 


Somehow, we got to talking about open-mindedness and freedom of speech.  For most Americans, these two concepts are things we live and die for. With this mess in Ukraine, I’ve been thinking a lot about propaganda. A lot about it. Trying to sort out what I know and what I intrinsically assume because of the propaganda the American education system instilled in me at a young age. I know I’m getting into the territory of sounding like a mad conspiracy theorist, but having spent the last few months bombarded by American, Russian and Independent media about the Ukraine Crisis, there are so many conflicting facts and stories and ideas that I feel incapable of identifying what is truth and what is propaganda. What I’ve decided is that it is all propaganda, divided only by what brand of propaganda you were raised with, and therefore assume is truth. Before I get too far down this tangent, I’ll just say I’m still wrestling with these ideas.


So back to this man. After minutes of meeting one another, he threw out the statement “there is no such thing as being open-minded” like it was an absolute truth. Strike One – there is no such thing as absolute truth and don’t call me close minded! A long conversation ensued about what it means to be open minded, most of us supporting the idea that it certainly does exist and that most of us consider ourselves open minded. A friend made a great point, being open minded isn’t about adopting someone else’s point of view, but by interacting with people who live and think differently than you, you are being open minded. I don’t have to necessarily agree with you in order see that your thoughts, while opposite to mine, have their own validity and worth. That is my brand of open-mindedness.


It seemed like some sort of resolution to this argument had been reached. We moved on, I ordered some Borsht. More friends showed up. Conversation flowed. As some loose connection to this concept of “open-mindedness”, the idea of free speech arose. Once again, as the keeper of absolute truth on everything (note: sarcasm), our newfound friend said, “freedom of speech doesn’t exist”. Okay. Please expand. 


As a half-Brit (half-wit?), this man provided the example of immigration in the UK. With a growing Muslim population in the UK, there has been a rise in conflict over ethnic and religious issues. While I’m not an expert in UK politics and social issues, as a member of the American melting pot, I understand the challenges faced by an ever-shifting population, that, while in theory accepts people of all races, religions and creeds, usually  says, this is a “normal American”, and points to a white Protestant male with a white-collar job. We should all strive to be like the “normal American”, right? Well as a woman I guess I’ll never be “normal”, and what does normal mean anyways? When did the melting pot become a bleaching process? 


Clearly this guy is in favor of the bleaching process, and went on his speech about freedom of speech, saying that true freedom of speech should mean that he can say racial and religious slurs as loudly and openly as he wants. In fact, he should be able to stand on Nevsky Prospekt and shout about it to the masses! In this moment, if I’m being fully honest, I stopped being open-minded. I shut that door and sealed it air tight. 


All I could think was why do you want to shout racial and religious slurs on the street? People have all kinds of thoughts that they don’t voice, it is certainly true, but under this man’s impression, we are all bubbling with offensive thoughts and only keeping them inside because freedom of speech doesn’t truly exist. Whether freedom of speech should allow this kind of public proclamation is, in my mind, irrelevant. The real issue here is the root of such ideas. If you feel so badly that you need to attack someone over their religion or their race, then there is a great failing in this world. And certainly there is, because these people are everywhere. 


As many things in the world are cyclical, so too was this conversation. I couldn’t help but come back to being open-minded. This guy’s racism wasn’t about freedom of speech as he’d stated, but really it was about a refusal to coexist with people different than himself. I sat through an entire afternoon with this guy, which makes me feel just about as open-minded as I’ve ever felt. But truly, there needs to be a lot less yelling in this world, and a lot more listening, observing, learning and understanding. Before I go stand on the street and shout something to the masses, I need to really understand why I’m shouting. 


People make truth claims way too often in this world. I’m sure I do. And that guy certainly did. We are so confident that what we believe is fact, that any observation we make on top of that fact must also be true. What we fail to do, is dissect the facts before building upon them. How can I further an idea, in a really truly progressive way, if the foundational concept is already flawed. How can I tell the world what is right and wrong about the Ukraine Crisis if I don’t fully understand what is really happening there. 


If I’m about to follow my own doctrine, then I’m about to be paralyzed. I’m not sure there even is a way to say something is absolutely true, that a certain logic is completely flawless. Because of that, I’ll never have a solid foundation on which to build. But I don’t want to build just to build. I want to have a knowledge and a worldview not simply of depth, some teetering tower barely able to stand straight, but a knowledge and a perspective of breadth. Something so expansive that no new idea strikes fear in my heart and leads to discrimination, as fear so often does. Something that has open arms and means it.

Monday, March 17, 2014

boy, when the light appears



You'll bare your bones you'll grow you'll pray you'll only know
When the light appears, boy, when the light appears
You'll sing & you'll love you'll praise blue heavens above
When the light appears, boy, when the light appears
You'll whimper & you'll cry you'll get yourself sick and sigh
You'll sleep & you'll dream you'll only know what you mean
When the light appears, boy, when the light appears
You'll come & you'll go, you'll wander to and fro
You'll go home in despair you'll wonder why'd you care
You'll stammer & you'll lie you'll ask everybody why
You'll cough and you'll pout you'll kick your toe with gout
You'll jump you'll shout you'll knock you're friends about
You'll bawl and you'll deny & announce your eyes are dry
You'll roll and you'll rock you'll show your big hard cock
You'll love and you'll grieve & one day you'll come believe
As you whistle & you smile the lord made you worthwhile
You'll preach and you'll glide on the pulpit in your pride
Sneak & slide across the stage like a river in high tide
You'll come fast or come on slow just the same you'll never know
When the light appears, boy, when the light appears

Friday, February 28, 2014

Still a lot of lands to see

Joni Mitchell says it best.



Sitting in a park in Paris France
Reading the news and it sure looks bad
They won't give peace a chance
That was just a dream some of us had
Still a lot of lands to see
But I wouldn't want to stay here
It's too old and cold and settled in its ways here
Oh but California


...

Oh it gets so lonely
When you're walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
More about the war
And the bloody changes

Oh will you take me as I am?
Will you take me as I am?
Will you?

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Ukraine Agreement Was Only a Start, Activists and Analysts Say

The agreement brokered by European leaders and signed by Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych Feb. 21 was not enough to placate the Ukrainian public after over 80 people were killed, activists and analysts told a packed conference room at Central European University (CEU) the same day. Since the roundtable discussion, two of the protesters’ major demands have been met: former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko has been released from prison and appeared on Independence Square, known as Maidan, or Euro-Maidan, and the Parliament voted to remove Yanukovych from office.
“Euro-Maidan is a revolution of dignity,” said Kateryna Kruk, an activist who spent months living on the Maidan, where she tweeted about developments in the square. “Euro-Maidan is not just about European values, about changing the government, it’s about survival. We want a better life for our families, a president who doesn’t have the blood of our people on his hands.”
Former Hungarian Foreign Minister Peter Balazs, director of CEU’s Center for European Enlargement Studies, which hosted the event, called the developments of Feb. 21 encouraging,  but merely first steps on a long road in a large country suspended between Europe and Russia.
- See more at: http://www.ceu.hu/article/2014-02-23/ukraine-agreement-was-only-start-activists-and-analysts-say#sthash.cDUWSzjF.dpuf
The agreement brokered by European leaders and signed by Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych Feb. 21 was not enough to placate the Ukrainian public after over 80 people were killed, activists and analysts told a packed conference room at Central European University (CEU) the same day. Since the roundtable discussion, two of the protesters’ major demands have been met: former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko has been released from prison and appeared on Independence Square, known as Maidan, or Euro-Maidan, and the Parliament voted to remove Yanukovych from office. - See more at: http://www.ceu.hu/article/2014-02-23/ukraine-agreement-was-only-start-activists-and-analysts-say#sthash.cDUWSzjF.dpuf
The agreement brokered by European leaders and signed by Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych Feb. 21 was not enough to placate the Ukrainian public after over 80 people were killed, activists and analysts told a packed conference room at Central European University (CEU) the same day. Since the roundtable discussion, two of the protesters’ major demands have been met: former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko has been released from prison and appeared on Independence Square, known as Maidan, or Euro-Maidan, and the Parliament voted to remove Yanukovych from office. - See more at: http://www.ceu.hu/article/2014-02-23/ukraine-agreement-was-only-start-activists-and-analysts-say#sthash.cDUWSzjF.dpuf
The agreement brokered by European leaders and signed by Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych Feb. 21 was not enough to placate the Ukrainian public after over 80 people were killed, activists and analysts told a packed conference room at Central European University (CEU) the same day. Since the roundtable discussion, two of the protesters’ major demands have been met: former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko has been released from prison and appeared on Independence Square, known as Maidan, or Euro-Maidan, and the Parliament voted to remove Yanukovych from office. - See more at: http://www.ceu.hu/article/2014-02-23/ukraine-agreement-was-only-start-activists-and-analysts-say#sthash.cDUWSzjF.dpuf
Professors and Activists from Central European University discuss the events at EuroMaidan and what the future may hold for Ukraine.

"The developments of February 21st are encouraging, but merely first steps on a long road in a large country suspended between Europe and Russia."
Read the full article here.
the developments of Feb. 21 encouraging,  but merely first steps on a long road in a large country suspended between Europe and Russia. - See more at: http://www.ceu.hu/article/2014-02-23/ukraine-agreement-was-only-start-activists-and-analysts-say#sthash.cDUWSzjF.dpuf 
For

In the eastern region of Ukraine, tensions between Euro-Maidan supporters and pro-Russia demonstrators are building. 

"Many, like Valentina Morder, 68, a pensioner in a wooly hat, worry that the parliament, now in the hands of the opposition, will now restrict the rights of Russian speakers.

"Everyone should be able to speak in the language that their mother sang to them as a child. My mother sang in Russian. She worked here before the war and after the war. I've worked [here] for over 40 years," Morder says. "Why should someone tell me that I have to live a certain way."

The parliament has already scrapped a law that gave minority languages in select regions official status, a move that touched a nerve in predominantly Russian-speaking cities like Kharkiv." Read the full article here.